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Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Twilight Review **Warning: Reader Discretion is Advised**

I know this is old news, and that everyone knows how badly Twilight was written, but I have been thinking about this book lately--deep thoughts--and I want to share my thoughts on the plot, characters, symbolism--whether it be purposeful or not--and general writing of this paranormal series.
First of all, plot. If anything, I think Twilight’s plot is the best thing about the entire series, which, if you have read the books, is not saying much. The plot for the first book is pretty straightforward. Edward and Bella fall in love, but Edward, the ever-so-self-hating vampire is reluctant to give into his urges to love Bella because her blood is extra potent to his ever-so-gloriously-crafted nostrils. This is known to the reader, mostly because Edward states it about a million times in each page, but it is not really shown. Apart from what Edward says, he doesn’t really give much effort into protecting Bella from himself. He takes, what, one month and then he’s all “I can’t stay away from you!” Well, Edward, you must not have loved her that much if you are willing to put her life in danger just by being in her presence! I would understand if her blood smelled like every other person’s blood, and he can’t really help being around every other person in the world--unless he wants to be secluded, but that suck--but since she’s extra smelly, he should have at least put a little bit more effort into staying away from her. Then the rest of the novel--there are also scenes that are completely unimportant, like Edward eating a bite of pizza (who the f**k cares??!!?)--features the evil trio of vamps, even though they aren’t really evil; they are normal vampires who want to, as normal vampires do, suck Bella’s blood. Yada yada, Edward saves her, bites her, sucks the venom, whatever. Honestly, I don’t understand why Edward didn’t just allow her to change into a vampire then. That would literally solve every single issue that come in the next three books. Never would have met the Volturi. Never would have had a kid and get eaten alive from the inside, practically. Never would have had that useless love triangle, which I like to call Bella Always Saying No to Jacob and Jacob Not Taking No For an Answer (creepy much?). Edward would have never left her in New Moon. Victoria probably still would have made that creepy kid army, but it would have been a hell of a lot easier to kill her without human Bella being in the goddamn way all the time.

Talking about human Bella’s, I hate her. Firstly, she has no personality. Right now I’m trying to name traits about her, and the only thing that comes up is weak and boring and annoying. Stephanie Meyer must be anti-feminist because she made Bella the most weak female protagonist I have ever read about. Bella is absolutely useless until the last hundred pages of the last book; her presence literally holds no significance to ‘the group’. She has no special human powers, except the power to make me want to shoot myself in the face. Her entire persona makes teenage girls--who are mostly reading these books--think that the only important thing in life is to have a man. When Edward leaves, she is catatonic for months. She goes crazy, showing her life means nothing without her precious love. The only solace she found was in another man. She never hunkers down and says “f**k this; if Edward doesn’t want me, that’s his loss!” She doesn’t even have to mean it; she just has to put some effort in moving on and having dignity when the only boy she likes goes away. Instead, she shows that it is okay for the most important thing in life to be a boy she’s known for less than six months. If I was her, I would be sad for a month or two and then I’d be angry as hell at him! “Edward doesn’t want to be with me? F**k you too, Edward! Oh, I’m not good enough for you? Are you f**king kidding me, Edward? Fine! Leave! Ain’t nobody missing you, bitch!” would be the exact dialogue I’d put if I wrote New Moon. Honestly, I don’t blame Jacob for always wanting to be with her--even though, seriously, where the hell is the attraction? No damn personality!--for she always leads him on. She doesn’t want to be with him like that, but she shows all the signs of wanting to be with him like that, even telling him to kiss her...when she just got engaged to Edward, that hoebag. Another horrible thing about Bella is that she holds no concern for her own life. She shows little girls that it is okay to hop on a bike with a random stranger. To Bella, it is okay to jump off cliffs to see hallucinations of her ex boyfriend. Yeah, it is totally okay to meet vampires at a ballet studio alone, when she never really even put in effort to make sure it wasn’t a trick. It is totally okay, girls! Do what she does! She’s a perfect role model for the millions of teenage girls reading these books. Way to go, Meyer.

The love triangle in the Twilight series is not much of a triangle at all. Sure, somewhere deep inside her, she loves Jacob, but it is apparent in every single book who she is going to choose. It is not a surprise, and the reader doesn’t gasp the hundred times she literally tells Jacob that she will not and will never choose him over Edward. Jacob really looks pretty stupid because he keeps trying to get her, and for what? To be rejected twenty five thousand times? And besides, he knows that she isn’t ‘the one’ for him, since he hasn’t imprinted on her--don’t even get me started on that Renesmee imprint thing. Apparently Meyer is a supporter of pedophilia as well as anti-feminism.

Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t always hated Twilight as this ‘review’--more of a hate-post, honestly--may show. I used to be a Twi-Hard. I loved Twilight so much and nobody could tell me that it was bad. I was #teamedward all the way, I cried when he left Bella in New Moon, I sighed in happiness when they got married, and I rooted for the Cullens to win every single battle. I hated Rosalie because she didn’t like sweet ol’ Bella and I still know so much about the four books because I must have read them at least eight times. I had Robert Pattinson posters all over my bedroom walls, and yes, I will admit to thinking he was dreamy, even though he is actually really gross. That was years ago, and since that dark period of my life, I have read so many great pieces of literature. I finally sat down to reread the books, and I couldn’t read more than one chapter without rolling my eyes at how ridiculous Bella and the entire series really is. Since that moment, I haven’t given it much thought, but now I feel quite good at venting about how horrible the Twilight Series is. Now I feel I can move on from those Dark Times.
Thanks for reading, and good day to you!

I quite like this cover better; don't you?

1 comment:

  1. oh my gosh.
    a gold mine.
    of words.
    witty words.
    funny words.
    this is a gold mine of witty and funny words.